LGBT & Christianity. Trigger warning for suicide.

I read this (a few weeks ago now) article last night and it breaks my heart reading it. It is very close to home reading it because I was raised with very similar beliefs and am only just breaking free from these beliefs now. Which is why I have never really explored my sexuality until now. I have been too scared to. I had never really fully acknowledged that part of myself till very recently. I feel free and happy with who I am now. I am just not sure how to work it all out now that I am in a committed marriage relationship. It is very overwhelming to suddenly realise that I am pansexual and am attracted to people. So many raw feelings and thoughts overwhelm me.


I have been talking with an ex-pastor who is gay. He lost his job over coming out and getting into a relationship with a man. He says he has never felt happier and would rather be true to himself than living a lie. I am very happy for him. He has been very helpful and understanding of my journey. He gets how hard it is being a Christian and having a diverse sexuality. Not many people truly get how hard it is to have a shift in beliefs after being raised to see LGBT people as sinful. I do not believe that or think that now.


This ex-pastor was telling me about how there were 29 (of our denomination alone) gay men who committed suicide in one Australian state alone within a 2 year period. So incredibly heartbreaking. The church I was raised in does nothing. They don't even acknowledge it. They are terrified of the gay agenda and hugely homophobic. Whatever the fuck (gay agenda) that is? There are people trying to change that by a movie they recently made. I went and saw it not that long ago and it is really good. It does not debate what is right or wrong, it is meant as a starting point to create a safe place for people to talk openly about their stories of being LGBT Christians. Highly needed within the LGBT Christian community.


I remember when I was 19 and dating my ex-fiance, a friend of his who was bisexual committed suicide. He was 19. This friend B could not get his head around his faith and sexuality, so thought he was better off dead. It was heartbreaking going to his funeral. All his family and friends crying. I could not cry. I cried a bit when I first heard the news but after that just felt numb and did not know what to think or feel. I remember seeing him in the coffin and thought his face looked anguished. When some people die I have heard they look peaceful. He did not. He died an anguished soul. Heartbreaking!


I wrote a poem about him. It is sad, depressing and heartbreaking. I hope this blog post isn't too disturbing for some people. It is just my thoughts. I am not afraid of death and talking about death. I think it's healthy to approach it as just the next stage in life and not fear it. I was 19, so it probably isn't that good. I talked about it from his perspective. I have no idea what was really going through his head but I can imagine as I have struggled with my sexuality and faith.


As you can imagine this experience at age 19 pushed me way back into the closet, I was too scared to even really acknowledge it. 

Here's the poem. It is confronting and raw.

Suicide and anguish

Dedicated to B

The pain in my heart

Had become too much

My life felt like nothing

I knew what to do

It was my only choice

Who would care anyway

I had tried to really live

But life was not for me

It had never been

With my fate before me

I began to plan;

What I would do

And how

I began to shut off

And only be happy

This was what I wanted

It made me happy

I knew what to do

It was hard to face

But it made me happy

That’s all I wanted…

To be happy

My last moments had come

As I climbed

I tied the rope

Round the tree

Round my neck

Then I jumped

Nothingness…