Body Policing

A few weeks ago I was at my nephew's 2nd birthday party. There were many people there. It was all rather overwhelming for me. One of my cousins was there. We talked for a bit. She complimented me on how good I looked and how much weight I had lost. I was a bit dumbfounded at first. I didn't really know what to say. I remembered an article I had read about 'body policing', but words failed me (link below). So I just went along with it, and said I had no idea how I lost weight as I haven't been doing much hard out exercise. I do exercise fairly regularly, usually just walking and sometimes bike riding.

I have only just worked it all out in my head why I have lost weight and look thinner. It is because I experienced a breakdown a few months ago. I have had way too much stress. I am too stressed! I did a DASS test with my Dr a few months ago and it was 10/10/19. I did one on Monday earlier this week with my Dr and it was 4/11/19. The order is depression/anxiety/stress. So my depression has gone down but my stress and anxiety levels are way too high. They are considered severe. Not good! Not good at all!

I am mad now. Mad at myself for not realising till a month later why I had lost weight. Mad at our culture's obsession with appearance, weight loss, beauty, and image. I am mad! It is horrible to think that my weight loss is really from stress and my breakdown, not because I have been trying to lose weight. Very upsetting to think that that is all people focus on. Not my mind and all the exciting, amazing ideas I have. Not my writing. Not my opinions, not my Advocacy, not my journey to understanding myself better. No, it is my fucking appearance! Fuck that! I am tired of that. So tired of it! I wish that people would get to know me. The real me. Not just focus on my fucking looks! I wrote a poem as a teen about how I felt about being only there to look at. I was mad then, I am irate now.

My poem from 2002 - it's not that great. It was just how I was feeling at the time and I hated it! I truly hated feeling like a picture. Boys were noticing me and focusing on my physical appearance and I really just wanted them to fuck off or get to know me as a person. I had had a few boyfriends by this point and they were always telling 'how pretty' I was. It really annoyed me!

A pretty picture

On the wall

Is what I

Feel I be

Look closely

At the picture

And you will notice

The beauty fades

Fades…

Reality is shown

Although I may be pretty

There is more to me than that

My looks are not the world

And never will they be

Just because I’m pretty

Does not mean I’m happy

And live without problems

I’m part of the same world

Don’t tell me I’m pretty

Cause I don’t wanna know

Tell me what you really see

Beneath it all

I see a pretty picture

On the wall

I stop to take a look

I’m like a picture

2002

Beauty Redefined is a fantastic blog and Facebook page that I follow. They talk about body policing and how to avoid it. I love their holiday survival guide. It really stuck in my mind when I read it before Christmas/holiday season. I knew this in my head but when it came to the moment, when I chatting to my cousin and she 'body policed' me, I was lost for words. Fuck, I hate that! Damn it delayed cognitive processing! Why do I have to take so long to process everything? Ah well... it is what it is. Writing it all down in this blog will help me have a script in my head of what to say next time.

Further reading:

24 Lies people like to tell women

Beautiful Actresses told they weren't pretty enough

What model poses would look like in real life

Jada Pinkett Smith pens open letter defending Willow's free spirit massive body policing right there

Read any of those links and you can clearly see that the media pushes the idea that women are only there to be fucking looked at, eye candy. Fuck that!

So excited! An update on L.

I thought I had lost contact with L once again as I emailed her with the email address I had and it bounced back. I was super sad, and did not know what to do. But then I remembered the counselor I used to see in Victoria, that I had his email address and that L had also seen him in the past. So last week after feeling very sad for most of the week that my email to L bounced back. I suddenly remembered that I could email this counselor. So I did. I told him how I was, about my blog (ASD one) and Facebook page. About my breakdown, etc. You get the idea, I gave him a brief update. Then I asked him for L's email address and explained that the email address I had for L bounced back when I emailed her. He knows L and I are friends so he replied today with L's email address. Massive YAYs! I am so incredibly excited! I hope to hear back from L soon. I re-sent the email I sent L before it bounced back and added a bit extra. Stay tuned. She could be soon a reader of this blog too. Ha ha! I just feel so much incredible emotion over this. I can't believe that I am probably going to be hearing from L soon. Her sunshine laughter calls to me...

A person I was attracted to in the past

I wrote this (the one below) little story a few years ago about one of my friends who I met, really liked and fell for in a way. It is from my old blog. I did actually meet up with her again and we are still somewhat in contact. She was also diagnosed with Aspergers. She is a free spirit, very hippy and into all these mystical things but I like that about her.

"I'm feeling rather crestfallen after what has happened this week. Its probably not major compared to some things, but it did impact me alot.
I have been a volunteer at the local op-shop for a few weeks now, this was partly because of the Manager L inviting me to help out with window displays. I instantly liked her and she me. She was around my age, probably a bit older. Anyway we instantly clicked and got on really well. I went in a few times and did window displays and had lots of fun - chatting to L and also being creative with the window displays. This week I find out from one of the other volunteers whom I randomly saw in the supermarket that L had left the op-shop for good on Monday. This was rather odd, surprising and shocking as I had only seen L in the shop quite happy and chirpy on Sunday. We'd had a good chat too and wanted to invite each other around to our houses so we could chat and get to know each other. My husband M also liked L as a friend of course. L had a bf, (I think he was her bf, but not entirely sure) whom we also liked and got on well with. Anyway upon hearing this rather shocking news I was very downcast and crestfallen as I now knew I had no way of contacting L. Rather foolish of me to not ask for her number, I had been meaning to, just hadn't. The thing about L is that she is rather intense as a person so I always forgot to ask her because she talked about so many different things. She distracted me. I do tend to get distracted very easily though.
I was due to go into the shop today (Friday 24/04) and didn't really feel like going, partly because I knew L wouldn't be there and also because I wasn't sure if I was still needed. The only reason I agreed to become a volunteer was because L wanted me to do the window displays. Now that L isn't there anymore I wasn't sure how it would work and what would happen.

Upon arrival of the op-shop I was greeted with deathly silence and a rather sparse, drab looking shop. Everything had been changed around, it looked terrible, almost like a graveyard. I immediately knew I did not want to stay there, especially today. There was no music playing, no people in the shop at all. Everything was changed and the shop no longer looked fun, funky and happening, it looked dead.

I have no idea what happened and why L left, seeing as she had only been there 4-5 months. I have a feeling that it might have been to do with how she ran the shop and the head people have a certain way that all op-shops of this title/company are set up. They probably didn't like the way she did things. I think she did a great job, the shop looked great, it was fun, happening, funky. Now it looks dead, and boring. There are hardly any funky clothes now too...that may change. But still...what a shock! I hope where ever L is that she is happy and glad that she chose to leave. I would have loved to get to know her better, but I am so glad that I met her and had a little bit of her sunshine in my life. She was a sunshine!"

A later update:

"Remember when I posted about how I totally lost contact with L, the ex op-shop manager. My parents and I were driving along the main street of town and I saw L. I'm like "oh my goodness! We must turn around and I need to say hi." We turn around and go back, park and I jump out of the car. I walk up to L and we greet and hug. She had been meaning to catch up with me and tell me what happened. It turns out she didn't just randomly resign. She was fired! Fired for standing up against something she didn't agree with that the higher up manager people were doing. I can't believe that. Anyway she is suing them for how they treated her (good on her!). She said it's not about the money, but about the principle. We chatted a bit more about other stuff, how we're going to catch up and have each other over for meals etc. We swapped numbers and are going to catch up sometimes soon. I am so grateful that I didn't lose contact with her.
It's all about timing, the journey...it worked out right.
L is one of those people I really click well with.
I was so excited when I saw her and so glad that we could catch up."

I wrote a poem about her sometimes after. 

L

The sunshine in her laughter calls to me

‘You dress like those on Brunswick street,’

She said to me

‘Come join me in the op-shop,

Decorate the windows, invite others in,’

Her energy sets me free

She speaks from the heart

Her voice strong and sure

Spontaneous and original

Every time I see her

Fresh unusual arty clothes

Express her form

Dancing blue eyes and flowing gold hair

Her smile relaxes me

Her attitude positive

There’s no fear in her eyes

She’s shown me her strength

Inspired me to change

Different ideas and fresh new perspectives

she’s shown me the way

made me think

contemplate, reflect upon my life

her sunshine laughter sets me free

The Pro-life movement and the impact on female sexuality, motherhood.

My thoughts on the subject.






This image came up on my newsfeed from the Facebook page The other 98%. I had to share it of course, and added these words. 

"Exactly! The pro-life movement fails to realise the implications of their views on just having a child saved from abortion. What happens next? Are any of them there to support the Mother in raising her child? I highly doubt it. If anything the Mother is shamed for having sex before marriage and being a single Mother. So much ugh!!!"

I have been pro-choice for awhile now. Ever since I read this article about how one woman Lost faith in the pro-life movement. I highly recommend reading it, if you get the chance. From reading that article I was linked to some thought provoking further reading. 

How does this relate to my sexuality? Hugely! Taking away my choices surrounding my reproductive rights affects my sexuality. It means that I as a woman am seen as less than a man, when we should be equal. That my sexuality is tied with my fertility and chances of conceiving, it is, but it is viewed negatively. It is connected with the purity culture. It is connected with patriarchy. They are all connected, and affect how women are seen and treated regarding their sexuality, fertility, birth and motherhood. Women are blamed for getting pregnant. Where is the man who had sex with her? He is just as responsible. Women are blamed for the trauma they experience regarding birth. What about the fucked up obstetrics system and how it treats women as incubators, not people? Women are shamed for not being virgins and for sleeping around. What about the men they are having sex with? Single Mothers are shamed and blamed for contributing to the Fatherless generation. What about the Fathers? How is any of that helpful to blame us as women for societies problems? Men are just as much to blame, along with how governments are run, rape culture and slut shaming, and many other detrimental views towards women, our sexuality and fertility.

It is for this reason that I take my sexuality, fertility and my son's birth into my own hands. I had a homebirth for my son. There is no fucking way I was going to a hospital to be treated like an incubator by professionals more focused on following policies than connecting with a person. Unless there was a real emergency, and even that is debatable. The clamp down on homebirth is just a sign that the system does not want women to trust themselves and empower themselves by educating themselves. We are not stupid! All the women I know who have had homebirths are well educated, intelligent, critical thinking women. They do not consider it lightly and have a back up plan for if something goes wrong. I had a hospital back-up booking in case of emergency. It was all fine, as most births are. My Midwife told me that we would know well in advance if something was going to go wrong and head to Hospital way before it became a drama-fest emergency.

Back to my original thoughts about pro-choice and pro-life. The pro-life movement strongly advocates for all babies being born and having a chance at life. But...what kind of life will it be? Do they ever stop to consider what life will be like for the unborn child once they are born? Do they offer support to the Mothers who are considering abortion but are talked out of it after their child is born?  Is it really fair to bring a child into the world when the Mother is not prepared to be a Mother? These are questions worth asking and trying to find the answer to. This goes beyond morality and how Christians view abortion. This is real life and a woman having to be a Mother to a child who she does not really want. Is that fair on both Mother and child? I think not. The pro-life movement needs to take responsibility for the implications of their views. I am not sure how. 

All I ask is that women are allowed to make their own educated and informed choices regarding their sexuality, fertility, relationships, and where/how they give birth. We are not children who need managment. We can think for ourselves. That is all. Pro-choice.

How I was raised to view sex, sexuality and how fucked up it is.

I read this article and it has inspired me to write my thoughts on the subject.

I was raised to believe and think this about myself. It has been extremely damaging to me. I was raised to think that my virginity was the most important thing I could give a man on our Wedding night. I was raised to think that women who slept around were loose and whores. Massive slut shaming culture right there! It didn't stop me from doing sexual things with my various boyfriends. I was raised to believe that masturbation was wrong. That belief didn't stop me though. I was raised to believe that having sex outside of marriage was the worst thing in the world to do. I remember watching this video called 'The price tag of sex' and being terrified of not being able to control myself and have sex. Then I would be ruined forever and have that price tag against my head, so to speak. It is presented by a woman called Pam Stenzel who is a product of rape. Her Mother was raped, continued the pregnancy and had her baby adopted out. The highly emotional aspect of it gets you in and makes you feel that you need to listen to what she says to as she should know. I now feel that is massive manipulation of people to get them to not have sex and do whatever they are told. I get mad thinking about it. I no longer believe any of that about sex. I have broken free of the chains of my past and now have a much heathier view of sex. I am still healing from it and it will take time. This is why I am only now starting to feel safe and free to explore my diverse sexuality and attractions to the same sex. 

My husband is still on the journey of letting those unhealthy beliefs about sex go. He will get there in time. Before we started dating he was hesitant to date me because I wasn't a virgin. I thought that was ridiculous at the time and told him to get over it. He took awhile to get over it and then decided to start dating me. He had this idea in his head that when he got married to whomever he got married to that they would both be virgins (he was a virgin) and learn together about sex. He felt he was robbed of that experience. He is over it now (mostly), but that attitude is seriously fucked up! We did learn together and are still learning. I think with sex and sexuality there is always something new and fun to learn and discover about each other and oneself. It is an adventure.

I am much happier now and in control of my sexuality. I know what I want and am not afraid to ask for it. I think this is scary for my husband at times because I can be quite full on. This is who I am and I am finally embracing who I am and my sexuality. No one is going to take that away from me! I am still trying to get past the feelings of shame in regards to some aspects of my sexuality, but in time I will.

I shared this status from the Barrel of Oranges Facebook page on my profile and it elicited one interesting response.

"Purity Culture is harmful to families, especially new families.

Purity culture trains women to abstain until marriage, shaming them with the idea that a sexual partner makes one "dirty"...and expects the woman to psycholigically disconnect from that just because they are now married.
Purity culture tells women that if they don't cover up when breastfeeding, they shouldn't leave the house or just bring a bottle.
Purity culture tells parents that children running naked in the backyard is child abuse.

It teaches our children that their bodies are dirty, teaches our mothers that their bodies are shameful, and teaches our sons and fathers, that they are hormone-driven beasts.

Purity Culture is Bullshit."

One person, a male responded with this:

"For the cases when and if that us true... For the times I've seen purity culture only a small minority of the comments apply.

So the culture referred to has more different to purity culture than it has in common - in my exposure."

That is male entitlement and patriarchy right there!

My response was this:

"I have experienced the effects of this ridiculous purity culture being a woman so I know it happens. I have broken free from that. It's when I'm told to wait for the right man, to not have sex with too many partners, to cover up when breast feeding, to not dress too seductively because men can't control themselves (they can - they are an adult and should be able to think rationally about their actions and practice self-control). Until you have actually experienced this yourself you are not likely to notice it. I am not going to be treated like a fragile pure object for the sake of pleasing a man or society. I am my own person with my own thoughts, dreams, desires, personality. I do not owe any man anything. Sorry if this seems harsh. I am just tired of this culture of purity, slut shaming and shame. It's all connected. That attitude feeds the slut/whore dichotomy. Where women are seen as pure and whole for men to sow their seed. Horrible and severely detrimental view of women, as we are whole people with minds, personality, character and uniqueness."

Another person added their opinion too.

"I have ZERO respect for that mentality. It's oppression at its finest and makes it sound like women are men's property. Society just cannot stay out of people's personal business, and that's really sad."

The links below in further reading are some excellent articles about the damaging effects of Purity culture, and about female sexuality.

Further reading:

Purity is bullshit

Sloppy seconds sex-ed

10 things you need to know about female sexuality

Female desire

The internal clitoris

The Purity Myth movie trailer

Elizabeth Smart and the life-threatening danger of shame based purity culture

It's not slut-shaming, it's woman hating

LGBT & Christianity. Trigger warning for suicide.

I read this (a few weeks ago now) article last night and it breaks my heart reading it. It is very close to home reading it because I was raised with very similar beliefs and am only just breaking free from these beliefs now. Which is why I have never really explored my sexuality until now. I have been too scared to. I had never really fully acknowledged that part of myself till very recently. I feel free and happy with who I am now. I am just not sure how to work it all out now that I am in a committed marriage relationship. It is very overwhelming to suddenly realise that I am pansexual and am attracted to people. So many raw feelings and thoughts overwhelm me.


I have been talking with an ex-pastor who is gay. He lost his job over coming out and getting into a relationship with a man. He says he has never felt happier and would rather be true to himself than living a lie. I am very happy for him. He has been very helpful and understanding of my journey. He gets how hard it is being a Christian and having a diverse sexuality. Not many people truly get how hard it is to have a shift in beliefs after being raised to see LGBT people as sinful. I do not believe that or think that now.


This ex-pastor was telling me about how there were 29 (of our denomination alone) gay men who committed suicide in one Australian state alone within a 2 year period. So incredibly heartbreaking. The church I was raised in does nothing. They don't even acknowledge it. They are terrified of the gay agenda and hugely homophobic. Whatever the fuck (gay agenda) that is? There are people trying to change that by a movie they recently made. I went and saw it not that long ago and it is really good. It does not debate what is right or wrong, it is meant as a starting point to create a safe place for people to talk openly about their stories of being LGBT Christians. Highly needed within the LGBT Christian community.


I remember when I was 19 and dating my ex-fiance, a friend of his who was bisexual committed suicide. He was 19. This friend B could not get his head around his faith and sexuality, so thought he was better off dead. It was heartbreaking going to his funeral. All his family and friends crying. I could not cry. I cried a bit when I first heard the news but after that just felt numb and did not know what to think or feel. I remember seeing him in the coffin and thought his face looked anguished. When some people die I have heard they look peaceful. He did not. He died an anguished soul. Heartbreaking!


I wrote a poem about him. It is sad, depressing and heartbreaking. I hope this blog post isn't too disturbing for some people. It is just my thoughts. I am not afraid of death and talking about death. I think it's healthy to approach it as just the next stage in life and not fear it. I was 19, so it probably isn't that good. I talked about it from his perspective. I have no idea what was really going through his head but I can imagine as I have struggled with my sexuality and faith.


As you can imagine this experience at age 19 pushed me way back into the closet, I was too scared to even really acknowledge it. 

Here's the poem. It is confronting and raw.

Suicide and anguish

Dedicated to B

The pain in my heart

Had become too much

My life felt like nothing

I knew what to do

It was my only choice

Who would care anyway

I had tried to really live

But life was not for me

It had never been

With my fate before me

I began to plan;

What I would do

And how

I began to shut off

And only be happy

This was what I wanted

It made me happy

I knew what to do

It was hard to face

But it made me happy

That’s all I wanted…

To be happy

My last moments had come

As I climbed

I tied the rope

Round the tree

Round my neck

Then I jumped

Nothingness…

How I feel about gender roles/stereotypes

Welcome to my chrysalis journey

Hello and welcome to my blog. This will be a place for me to write, vent, ramble about my sexuality as I learn more and explore it. Who knows where it will lead and what I will learn. This is my heart, soul, love and sexuality journey. I have so many things I would like to write about, to get out of my head and written. It is much easier for me to understand what is going on in my head after I have written it. It is always helpful for me to look over past writings and see how far I have come. So in this sense writing a sexuality blog will help me.


Other topics will include: feminism, groupthink, humanism, family, gender roles/stereotypes, birth and breastfeeding.